@TheCatWhisprer: Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
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@BadJordon: Autocorrect just changed 'so thirsty' to 'sloth irate' and I'm slowly getting angry about it.
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "How do u kno the deceased?" I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
@ArtConDee: Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
@GreenEyedLoon: Saved a man from a speeding car Man: Can't trust anyone Me: True Man: Us old ones got to stick together Pushed him in front of the next car