Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
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Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.