Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
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everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget