Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
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[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
dude it’s called proctologist
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.