Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
i baked you a cake
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”