Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
The 6 types of sex
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?