just having fun
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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
good work, detective
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match