Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
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Just a bush.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
How to draw a duck
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?