Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
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KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk