@Benjamin4501: Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa
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@DrDogMD: DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily? PATIENT: no DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!
@AndyAsAdjective: She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I'm over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what "hither" means.
@Blarebare: Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They're your soulmate.
@Dawn_M_: Just once I'd like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.