GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
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All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart