Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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text from my dad when lebron broke the record
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I never needed anything more in my life
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution