@meganamram: Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school
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@ClichedOut: I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip. Yeah. Offer delivery.
@matt___nelson: Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: "Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner" *centipede walks in* "You've got to be kiddin me"
@TheMichaelRock: If you're bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.
@AdamSerwer: In Trump's America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.