Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Traveler’s camo
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.