Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
You Might Also Like
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Somebody’s lying.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*