Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.