@decentbirthday: Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
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@TheMichaelRock: *wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work* I love you too, babe! [later] Where's my credit card? Son of a..
@ImSoFrancis: Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire? Me: the only wire I'm wearing is why're you still single? Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*