Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
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Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,