Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My inexpensive home security system…
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me