Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.