Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
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My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Put a ring on it
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
This might be me.
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.