@MrGeorgeWallace: Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
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@ConcernedSirGuy: People are like, "How cute! Your dog looks just like you!" I'm like, "That's my son."
@BillCorbett: To celebrate Independence Day I'm finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
@harikondabolu: Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember...HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
@cray_at_home_ma: I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.