Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”