Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-