@glamrockgoth: Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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@Douchekevin: My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I sent it to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.
@funnybeachgirl: Energizing breakfast smoothie: 1. 2 cups chopped kale 2. 1 ripe banana 3. 1/8 tsp flax oil 4. 1/2 cup coconut water 5. 3 grams of cocaine
@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
@shopkins776: *puts on headphones *cranks "Eye of the Tiger" *downs energy drink *laces up Nikes *runs out into 13° weather *runs back inside *Naps