Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
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Woke up against my better judgement again
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
it must be school picture day
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie