Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
You Might Also Like
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?