Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.