Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
A man of commitment.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.