Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.