I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Pretty much. 🤣
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Choose your fighter
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.