Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My therapist after every session
fourth time’s the charm
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.