Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
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MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[eulogy]
line?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula