I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 馃槶
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Even if it鈥檚 not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it鈥檚 not even slowing down. it鈥檚 astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he鈥檇 be amazed i have a girlfriend
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Best mom ever 馃槀
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Previously On Persistence 馃槑
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you鈥檝e been spending the last two years and if you鈥檝e learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it鈥檚 come to this
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.