A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
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cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am