Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
God: you鈥檙e a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I鈥檓 a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i鈥檓 the teensiest dragon!
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must鈥檝e recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 馃檨
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*