@_Tempo11: Just moisturized my hands and now I can't get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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@DiamondLou69: Hot chick at the bar just said that she's gonna do something stupid tonight... ...I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
@ScottLinnen: All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.
@Sarcasticsapien: I almost always wear black. Not because I'm depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I'm single and don't want to separate laundry.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I can't finish my lunch. I don't feel good. Me: OK, then no ice cream. 5-year-old: I'm sick, not dead.