Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”