@_Tempo11: Just moisturized my hands and now I can't get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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@urgeekisshowing: Personal trainer: So what's your goal? Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I'm not the one taking
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!..." - Honey Boo Boo's teachers her senior year of high school
@Carbosly: Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again? Works for my computer.
@PunkHistory: "You gotta keep 'em separated!" -the dude from the Offspring whenever he's doing laundry.