this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
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kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo