Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
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The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*