Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My boss called in sick of me
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones