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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
January is lasting longer than my marriage
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
that lip filler tho
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
This is a true ally.