Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
selfie game
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.