whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Is this a threat?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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