Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
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Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Facebook Twitter
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.