@cupcakelynda: Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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@SatansTongue: (First date) Me: Don't let her know you're a satanist Her: So what do you do for fun? Me: ＷＨＡＴＥＶＥＲ ＴＨＥ ＤＡＲＫ ＬＯＲＤ ＣＯＭＭＡＮＤＳ
@therepoguy: If your wife says "take out the trash" do not reply with "you cooked it you take it out."
@psybermonkey: Son: Daddy are we poor? Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
@Ideal_Victoria: I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.