@cupcakelynda: Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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@cjwerleman: Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor) Me: Mmm, this tastes good. Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
@BromanConsul: GOD: hey my son is broken, he won't absolve the sins of mankind IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again
@Twits_Giggles: It's amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you're buying tampons.