Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Just grow your own
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.