@cupcakelynda: Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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@Phook75: If love at first sight was really a thing, I would've been married to Cheetara from Thundercats
@ParentNormal: I can't tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
@ehjovan: me: bye twitter me 45 seconds later: so anyway heres another thought i could’ve kept to myself
@captainkalvis: Date: maybe go easy on the salt *i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt* Me: but what if there's a slug in my stomach Date: *trying* then you'd only need a little Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs