@jeffporper: Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch.
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@gruffybeard: 911: What's your emergency? Me: I'm scared. I *gasp* can't *gasp* breathe *gasp* again! 911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.
@raydevito: If Kim Kardashian is allowed to sue Old Navy b/c a model looks like her, then Khloe Kardashian should expect a lawsuit from Chewbacca.
@BakedElle: I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend. You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.
@Skullcat: My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes