Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
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*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.