Just ordered me some pizza!
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This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Beauty and the Beast
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”