Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?