Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
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For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
normalize having existential bread
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Florida be like…
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.