Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
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I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I came this close!!!!
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.