@LuvPug: Just pulled into the 'Expecting Mothers' parking spot at Walmart because I'm fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
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@thepunningman: [on deathbed] "Tell my Wif... *cough*" Yes? Tell her what? "Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best" [dies]
@novicefather: I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble. Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.
@polite_good_boy: DOG: woof ME: you wanna go outside? DOG: [wagging tail] woof woof! ME: ok just a second DOG: [pulls a gun] woof [gestures to door] woof
@ImKevinito: Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.