Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
If snakes were wide
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
dam girl
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”