Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Jogging has never helped my memory.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named