@Cheeseboy22: Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine. Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame. Then I know.
@SteveSuckington: Teacher: did you cheat on your math test? Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@myonlymizztake: Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.