Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
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God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.