Growing up was a huge mistake
You Might Also Like
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
*updates tinder bio*
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.