ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
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18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*pronounces fake like saké*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.