@bfrosty04: Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is 9 crying? me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet wife: But we're at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
@1_swarthy_dude: [1st date] Me: "So, what do you do?" Her: "I'm a Herpetologist." Me: "Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?"
@PinkCamoTO: I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
@: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like--it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.