I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
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My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi